Conversations With Hatta: Prison Break

The conversations are imaginary, but the situations are real. 

 

Hatta:   I broke through! I’m free! You thought you could confine me within these flimsy plastic panels, Mummy… you thought wrong! With my newfound mobility, I can finally explore the world!

Me:        What on earth are you babbling about?

I turn to look at him. 

Me:        Oh look at you, then. You’ve managed to roll out.

Hatta:   Yes indeed! I’ve escaped from that horrible primary-coloured monstrosity of a playpen I’ve been cooped up in… and now I’m freeeeeeee!

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I walk up to him and pick him up.

Hatta:   Oh thank you Mummy, but you really don’t have to bring me around anymore… I can roll to wherever I please. Except upstairs. I can’t really roll up the stairs unfortunately. I might – oh you’re picking me up? Ok then, would you mind carrying me over to our next door neighbour’s, please? I’d really love to meet their dog – the one who barks incessantly whenever I’m napping. Wait – no – the neighbour’s house is THAT way, Mummy – no – what are you doing? No, don’t put me back in the playpen! Mummy! It took a lot of kicking and rolling to get out! Mummy!

Me:        Stay in here, Hatta. I need to cook, and I can’t afford to have you rolling all over the place. It’s dangerous.

Hatta:   Ugh. Foiled again. It’s ok Mummy. Maybe not today. But I’m working on my crawl, and pretty soon I’ll be unstoppable!

Me:        I can only imagine.

Hatta:   Yup, I’ll be crawling all over the place – and you won’t be able to stop me!

Me:        Well you can help mop the floor while you’re at it then. I’ve got some spare cleaning pads that would fit nicely on your shins. Just make sure you crawl in an orderly fashion. I wouldn’t want you to miss any spots.

Hatta:   Very funny Mummy. Ha. Ha. We’ll see whether you’ll still be laughing in a few week’s time.

Conversations With Hatta: The Food Crisis

The conversations are imaginary, but the situations are real. 

 

It’s milk time. The little bear is happily drinking, almost at the end of his bottle.

Me:        Allllright then, you’re done.

Hatta:   Wait! I’m not done yet!

Me:        Yes you are, Hatta. There’s no milk left. See? The bottle’s empty.

Hatta:   THERE’S NO MILK LEFT?!?

Me:        In your bottle, Hatta. Of course there’s still some –

Hatta:   OH MY GOD THERE’S NO MILK LEFT! WE ARE FACING A FOOD CRISIS!

Me:        Calm down, Ha –

Hatta:   LISTEN UP, PEOPLE! WE ARE ALL DOOMED! THERE IS NO. MILK. LEFT. IN THE WORLD!!!

Me:        Oh good grief. Not this again.

Hatta:   IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD, FOLKS! WE DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT! BREAK OUT THOSE CANS OF FOOD STASHED AT THE BACK OF YOUR CUPBOARDS WHILE WE WAIT FOR OUR INEVITABLE END!!!

Me:        Would you please calm down? You’re overreacting. There is no food cri-

Hatta:   OH THE AGONYYYYYYY

Me:        Hatta, shush! People are turning to look at us.

Hatta:   AND SO THEY SHOULD! WE ARE ALL GOING TO STAAAARVE… eh? Hmm.

Me:        What’s the matter now?

Hatta:   I’m not hungry anymore.

Me:        Of course. You just finished an entire bottle of milk. It should last you till your next feed.

Hatta:   My next feed? You mean there’s still milk?

Me:        Of course there is.

Hatta:   Phew! Food crisis averted, people! As you were!

Me:        Are you going to embarrass me like this every time we go out?

Hatta:   Hush, mummy. I’m feeling really tired. I’m going to take a nap now.

Me:        Sigh.

 

Conversations With Hatta: Me Time

The conversations are imaginary, but the situations are real.

 

 

Me:                  You sure you’ll be okay?

The Mister:   Yeah. Don’t worry.

Me:                  Alright then. I should be gone for a couple of hours. Three hours at the most. If he gets hungry there’s milk in the fridge.

The Mister:   We’ll be fine. Have fun.

Me:                  (skipping and dancing to the car) Woohoo freedommmmmm!

The Mister:   Err… don’t forget to come home!

 


 

Hatta:             Why is Mummy so happy, Ayah? Where is she going? Wait… why isn’t she taking me with her? She forgot me!

The Mister:   No she didn’t. She has an appointment with the hairdresser’s. She’ll be back in a few hours. In the meantime, I’ll take care of you. It’ll just be the two of us.

Hatta:             But you’ve never taken care of me on your own before. Without Mummy around.

The Mister:   There’s a first for everything. I’ll manage.

Hatta:             Why couldn’t we all go out, together?

The Mister:   Mummy needs her “me time”.

Hatta:             What’s “me time”?

The Mister:   Some newfangled idea about having some time away from us for her to relax. Apparently to avoid tipping over the edge.

Hatta:             Oh pish posh. Taking care of me can’t be all that bad. Keep me well fed and I’m happy.

The Mister:   Well to be fair, there are times when you drive your mother crazy, you know. With your incessant bawling.

Hatta:             Ridiculous. I’m nothing if not adorable.

The Mister:   Not on your cranky days. There have been times when she was this close to smashing stuff against the wall in frustration.

Hatta:             Oh… that must explain those days when she turns into a monster. I just thought she was some kind of She-Hulk. Or play-acting, for my amusement.

The Mister:   Mummy doesn’t act, Hatta. When she loses her temper, you take cover.

Hatta:             So she is a She-Hulk, then.

The Mister:   Sometimes. So, what shall we do now? Are you up for some tummy time?

Hatta:             Hmmm… not feeling it. When will Mummy be back?

The Mister:   In about a couple of hours or so.

Hatta:             I think I’ll take a quick nap then. I’ll wake up when she gets home.

The Mister:   I have no problems with that; makes my job easier.

Hatta:             It’s her first time out without me. I bet she misses me.

The Mister:   I don’t know… she seemed awfully happy when she left. Like a prisoner out on bail.

Hatta:            (yawning) I still think she’ll miss me.

 


 

Me:                  (in the car) Aaaaah a few hours of freedom… this feels sooooo good!

I drive into a parking lot. It is relatively early on a Saturday morning, and the parking lot is empty.

Me:                  Oooooh look Hatta bear! Not a car in sight! We must be pretty early! Are we the first ones here, you think?

Silence.

Me:                  Hatta bear?

Silence.

Me:                  Tsk! I forgot! You’re at home with Ayah. And I’m the crazy woman talking to herself in the car, in an empty parking lot. Sigh.

 

 

Conversations With Hatta: Stuck

The conversations are imaginary, but the situations are real. 

 

Hatta:   Mummy, the cot shrank.

Me:        Don’t be silly, Hatta. Cots don’t shrink.

Hatta:   Ok. I grew larger, then.

Me:        You’re constantly growing, Hatta.

Hatta:   No, I mean like, really grew. Like that girl Alicia in Fairyland. When she ate that little cake and grew taller and taller. Did you feed me some enchanted cake last night? I swear dinner last night tasted odd.

Me:        You mean Alice In Wonderland, and no, I did not feed you any cake last night. Don’t be ridiculous.

Hatta:   Hmmm. Curiouser and curiouser! So cots don’t shrink, then?

Me:        No, they don’t.

Hatta:   Are you sure?

Me:        Yes, I’m very sure.

Hatta:   Then by process of elimination, I can only conclude that I’ve drastically grown overnight. I’m sorry to break it to you like this, Mummy, but I’m a baby giant.

Me:        Stop telling tall tales, Hatta.

Hatta:   Lame, Mummy. Lame.

Me:        Heh heh sorry… I couldn’t help myself.

Hatta:   I’m serious, Mummy… I’ve gone through some sort of growth spurt… I’m stuck.

Me:        Stuck?

Hatta:   Could you please come over and have a look at what I’m trying to tell you?

Me:        Oh alright… if it’ll make you stop all this baby giant nonsense…

(I walk towards his cot.)

Hatta:   Fee fi fo fum! I smell the blood of an irritated mum…

Me:        Stop it, Hatta.

(I reach his cot.)

Me:        (laughs) Oh dear… what’s happened here?

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Hatta:   See? I told you. I grew into a baby giant overnight and now I’m stuck. Do you believe me now?

Me:        You are not a baby giant. You simply rotated and got yourself stuck, that’s all. You have outgrown this cot, though. We need to get the extension pretty soon.

Hatta:   Huh? That’s it? Are you sure I’m not a baby giant, Mummy?

Me:        Very sure.

Hatta:   We don’t live atop a magic beanstalk?

Me:        No, we don’t.

Hatta:   Ugh. How boring.

 

Conversations With Hatta: Red Light

The conversations are imaginary, but the situations are real. 

 

Hatta:   Mummy, there’s something wrong with the car. We’re not moving.

Me:        There’s nothing wrong with the car, Hatta.

Hatta:   I’m telling you, Mummy, there’s something wrong. Wait.. all the other cars are stuck here too… OH MY GOD IT’S THE END OF THE WORLDDDDDD WE’RE ALL DOOOOOOMED HELP HELP HELP

Me:        Hatta, we’re at a red light. We’re supposed to stop. Everyone’s supposed to stop. Calm yourself down.

Hatta:   NOOOO WE’RE ALL DOOOOOMED FOREVERRRR-eh… we’re moving again! Thank heavens. We’ve been saved!

Me:        The traffic light turned green, Hatta. So we can go.

Hatta:   IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AGAIN HELP HELP HELPPPPPPPPPP

Me:        Are you going to do this at every red traffic light?

Hatta:   IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW ITTTTTTTTT

Me:        Oh good grief.